I was hanging out with my kiddo yesterday, enjoying some down time since it was raining and her softball practice was cancelled. We baked a cake, watched a little TV, nothing much.
In the middle of it all, though, while the cake was cooling and I was hand washing the few dishes that didn't fit in the dishwasher, she asked me an eyebrow-raising question.
"Mommy, when I'm old enough to get married, what should I look for to know that he's my Prince Charming?"
I was elbow-deep in dishwater and contemplated her question for a few seconds before answering. Prince Charming is kind of a myth, but she's my little girl and the myth is part of her reality right now.
"Well, I suppose it's a little different for everyone, but what I would want you to keep in mind is that it goes both ways and you need to give what you expect, too." I rinsed off the last dish and went on. "You deserve to be loved and respected, so you want someone who will always show love and respect, to you, your family and your kids if you have them, and the other people in your lives."
She scooted close to my side, looking up at me like I was sharing directions to some kind of hidden treasure. I washed my hands, wiping off the remaining suds on a towel and turned to pick her up and hold her in my arms. She rested her head on the side of my neck, quiet, waiting for me to continue. I carried her to the living room and sat on our seen-way-better-days couch. I rested my chin on her head as the cushions sank further down into the frame.
"You need to look for integrity," I continued.
"What's integrity?"
"Like being honest and keeping promises. You want someone who values promises, not someone who says things because it'll make you feel better or because it's what you want to hear. The promises are kept because they're promises and they mean something."
She pulled back and looked up at me. "Are all promises equal?"
I shrugged a little. "Others might not agree with me, but I think all promises are equal. What I mean is that some promises might be bigger than others, but they're all important, and once someone makes a promise, it's important to keep those promises as much as possible. Sometimes things will happen that might keep someone from keeping a promise, but that person still needs to make an effort. That's part of integrity."
Her wise eyes connected with mine. "What else, mommy? That can't be it."
I paused again, carefully considering what I should tell her as she snuggled deeper into me. It was the eve of her seventh birthday, but I had a feeling that even though she's just a little girl, this conversation was going to stick with her.
"You want someone who will look into your eyes. People say that the eyes are the window the heart and soul, and if that's true, you want someone that you trust enough to see deep inside you and love whatever's seen in there. Marry someone who believes you're important, who will really and truly put you first."
My throat tightened a little bit and I swallowed over the growing lump.
"Marry someone who has faith and believes in God, because when things get hard, and they will, sweetie, you'll need something bigger than the two of you to make it through. Marry someone who prays with you, who likes holding your hand when you go to church, who will understand when you question your own faith and still be there at the end of the day when you don't know what to do next, someone who will be there for you to turn to in those moments when you turn away from God. Marry someone who really gets you. Someone who shares your dreams. It's not enough for someone just to acknowledge that you have your own dreams. You'll need someone who supports you in pursuit of those dreams."
"What about the garbage?"
I was baffled. "Garbage? What do you mean? Like things that aren't important?"
She shook her head. "No. Like shouldn't Prince Charming be nice and take out the garbage without being asked or reminded?"
I laughed out loud and gave her a big squeeze. "That would be a bonus, Tink."
I rubbed her back for a minute before she pressed on. "But what else, mommy? What else should Prince Charming have?"
How was I supposed to answer? "Well, he should be a strong man. Not necessarily strong like being able to carry heavy things, though that is nice. I mean strong enough to support you when you're angry or sad or hurting. Someone who doesn't mind if you cry sometimes. Someone you trust enough to let see you cry. You should never be afraid to show how you're feeling or talk about why you're feeling sad."
Her fingers twirled the end of my braid. "Mommy, I have a secret to tell you."
I could hear a hint of anxiety in her voice. "What's up, baby? You can tell me anything."
She sat up, eyes downcast. "Last weekend when you thought I was sleeping after I went to bed, I heard you crying."
The lump in my throat got bigger, squeezing and making it hard to swallow. I knew exactly what she was talking about. "I'm sorry, sweetie. Sometimes grown ups get a little sad and crying helps." I prayed she wouldn't ask me what I'd been crying about.
"Mommy, I know I'm not Prince Charming, but you can always cry in front of me. I'll never laugh at you, okay?"
My lips quivered and my vision blurred. Who is this child?
She bounced off the couch, our conversation apparently finished. Before bolting from the room, she turned to me.
"So, Prince Charming should be nice, keep promises, be strong, love me, go to church with me and take out the garbage?"
I laughed. "I guess that about covers it."
As she ran up the stairs, she called out to me. "Cool. But that doesn't sound like Prince Charming. That just sounds like a regular guy."
Yes it does, kiddo. Yes it does.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Monday, April 30, 2012
April
Well, I've let the month of April go by without posting anything. Bad, bad blogger. So I was surprised today when I logged in and realized the whole layout has changed.
I don't like change very much. Grrr.
I actually don't have much to say, but I did get my co-workers to laugh today when I told them I was quitting my job and going into politics. Then I reconsidered and we all laughed when it was pointed out that I'd never last as a politician because I'd kiss the first person to bribe me with an egg, cheese and chorizo burrito with a side of yummy pie. It would be such a scandal. But such a delicious, delicious scandal...
I don't like change very much. Grrr.
I actually don't have much to say, but I did get my co-workers to laugh today when I told them I was quitting my job and going into politics. Then I reconsidered and we all laughed when it was pointed out that I'd never last as a politician because I'd kiss the first person to bribe me with an egg, cheese and chorizo burrito with a side of yummy pie. It would be such a scandal. But such a delicious, delicious scandal...
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Living With Regrets
I always tell myself that I prefer to live my life without regrets. Everything happens for a reason. Everything that happens makes me who I am.
As I've contemplated this more, though, I've determined that I want my life to be overflowing with regrets.
I read a quote sometime back, not sure where or by who, but it was something to the effect of enjoying life and being satisfied with living with regrets for the things you've done, rather than living with regret over the things you never did.
There is good regret, after all. And good regret is what I'm after in this lifetime.
I may regret wasting the last roll of toilet paper in a toilet paper fight with my daughter. Who uses the last roll of toilet paper in the house to have a toilet paper fight? Well, apparently, I do. And what I don't regret is the priceless smile and hysterical laughter bubbling out of my kiddo, the wide-eyed wonder on her face as she took in her normally low-key mom whipping around toilet paper all over the stairs and hallway.
I may regret staying out all night with a friend because it meant that I was painfully exhausted the next day. But I don't regret that in the time I was out, we talked and laughed and shared secrets and problem solved and that more importantly, we took the opportunity to be good friends to each other and re-connected after a long hiatus.
I may regret choices that I've made, things I've done, things I've said...but if the trade-off is learning to be a better person, then bring it on. I'm looking forward to a life of regrets.
As I've contemplated this more, though, I've determined that I want my life to be overflowing with regrets.
I read a quote sometime back, not sure where or by who, but it was something to the effect of enjoying life and being satisfied with living with regrets for the things you've done, rather than living with regret over the things you never did.
There is good regret, after all. And good regret is what I'm after in this lifetime.
I may regret wasting the last roll of toilet paper in a toilet paper fight with my daughter. Who uses the last roll of toilet paper in the house to have a toilet paper fight? Well, apparently, I do. And what I don't regret is the priceless smile and hysterical laughter bubbling out of my kiddo, the wide-eyed wonder on her face as she took in her normally low-key mom whipping around toilet paper all over the stairs and hallway.
I may regret staying out all night with a friend because it meant that I was painfully exhausted the next day. But I don't regret that in the time I was out, we talked and laughed and shared secrets and problem solved and that more importantly, we took the opportunity to be good friends to each other and re-connected after a long hiatus.
I may regret choices that I've made, things I've done, things I've said...but if the trade-off is learning to be a better person, then bring it on. I'm looking forward to a life of regrets.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Behind the Mask
Several weeks ago, my daughter was struggling with some anxieties and fears...anxieties and fears about things she'd seen, things she'd been told by a kid at school, things she didn't understand. Lots of bad dreams and nightmares.
Basically, it boiled down to one word.
Monsters.
For children, monsters are very real. They're shaggy, sharp-toothed creatures with black claws and red eyes. They're slimy beings that can slide and slither under doors, foggy air that seeps through window screens and drapes over the bed, cloaking the sleeper in a stranglehold of nightmares. Monsters are horrible dragons and vampires and the boogey man.
I held her close, rubbing her back and kissing her head. "Shhh," I said. "No worries, baby. Monsters are just people with masks on. It's makeup and special effects and all very, very pretend."
Afterward, guilt nagged at me. I thought about what I said. "Monsters are just people with masks on." That's true sometimes.
But other times?
Other times, the mask is safe. It's the monster lurking behind that we must fear.
Forget about the boogey man, monsters under the bed, the beast in the forest, mysterious things that go bump in the night. None of them are relevant. None of them are real. They don't matter. Our imaginations can't hurt us.
The worst fear in the world is fear of people. Fear of the monster you know. Fear of the person behind the mask, because you know who is there...you know the evil, the anger, the outcome you already know is coming, the violence that floats just beneath the surface of the mask that he or she wears so well in public.
Fear of the known is far worse than fear of the unknown. At least with the unknown, our imagined fear is often greater than real fear.
Aside from all of that, though, I think about what to teach my daughter and how to teach her to manage fear, to overcome fear, or at the very least, to live with the known and unknown. I haven't mastered it myself yet!
Conquering fear itself. That's nowhere in the parent manual.
Basically, it boiled down to one word.
Monsters.
For children, monsters are very real. They're shaggy, sharp-toothed creatures with black claws and red eyes. They're slimy beings that can slide and slither under doors, foggy air that seeps through window screens and drapes over the bed, cloaking the sleeper in a stranglehold of nightmares. Monsters are horrible dragons and vampires and the boogey man.
I held her close, rubbing her back and kissing her head. "Shhh," I said. "No worries, baby. Monsters are just people with masks on. It's makeup and special effects and all very, very pretend."
Afterward, guilt nagged at me. I thought about what I said. "Monsters are just people with masks on." That's true sometimes.
But other times?
Other times, the mask is safe. It's the monster lurking behind that we must fear.
Forget about the boogey man, monsters under the bed, the beast in the forest, mysterious things that go bump in the night. None of them are relevant. None of them are real. They don't matter. Our imaginations can't hurt us.
The worst fear in the world is fear of people. Fear of the monster you know. Fear of the person behind the mask, because you know who is there...you know the evil, the anger, the outcome you already know is coming, the violence that floats just beneath the surface of the mask that he or she wears so well in public.
Fear of the known is far worse than fear of the unknown. At least with the unknown, our imagined fear is often greater than real fear.
Aside from all of that, though, I think about what to teach my daughter and how to teach her to manage fear, to overcome fear, or at the very least, to live with the known and unknown. I haven't mastered it myself yet!
Conquering fear itself. That's nowhere in the parent manual.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Just Quietly Praying
My energy has completely tanked on me in recent weeks. I've been sick repeatedly and I can't figure out what I'm doing--or not doing, as the case may be--that's resulting in my frequent illnesses. Colds, strep throat, stomach bug, bronchitis, sinus infection, one right after another. Since I had my tonsils taken out in 2006, I typically get 2 colds a year and usually one whopping case of bronchitis. I've had more issues in the past few months than in the past few years combined.
The only thing I can think of right now is that, at least since December, I've been so stressed out about the car accident and the upheaval in our lives, that my immune system can't manage that and keep me going daily and then still fight off every germ that comes my way.
I'm so wiped out at the end of the day that all I want to do after dinner and getting the kiddo into bed is just go to bed myself. But of course there are things to do around the house, so I do, but all I really want is to crawl under the covers and put the day behind me. I just don't feel motivated and it's so frustrating to have half-finished things that I just want to complete. There's a quilt that was started a few months ago and was then put on the side--and the baby it was intended for is now born and two months old. There's a stack of books to go through, a pile of documents to organize for taxes, things to do for school. Nothing out of the ordinary, I just flat out don't feel like doing it.
I have, however, recently discovered the annoying and addicting game Angry Birds. I think I like it so much because I can play it while I'm laying in bed and when I'm sick of it, I can roll over and go to sleep.
Clearly, I need to find some other enjoyable activities.
I'm going to tackle the 5k with my sister this spring and I'm looking forward to it. I got through the first two weeks of the Couch Potato to 5k Program (C25K), but then stopped when I was coughing so hard from this last virus that I could barely breathe. I plan on starting over again this weekend. That's something to look forward to. Maybe just getting moving again will bring me some relief. A girl can hope!
The only thing I can think of right now is that, at least since December, I've been so stressed out about the car accident and the upheaval in our lives, that my immune system can't manage that and keep me going daily and then still fight off every germ that comes my way.
I'm so wiped out at the end of the day that all I want to do after dinner and getting the kiddo into bed is just go to bed myself. But of course there are things to do around the house, so I do, but all I really want is to crawl under the covers and put the day behind me. I just don't feel motivated and it's so frustrating to have half-finished things that I just want to complete. There's a quilt that was started a few months ago and was then put on the side--and the baby it was intended for is now born and two months old. There's a stack of books to go through, a pile of documents to organize for taxes, things to do for school. Nothing out of the ordinary, I just flat out don't feel like doing it.
I have, however, recently discovered the annoying and addicting game Angry Birds. I think I like it so much because I can play it while I'm laying in bed and when I'm sick of it, I can roll over and go to sleep.
Clearly, I need to find some other enjoyable activities.
I'm going to tackle the 5k with my sister this spring and I'm looking forward to it. I got through the first two weeks of the Couch Potato to 5k Program (C25K), but then stopped when I was coughing so hard from this last virus that I could barely breathe. I plan on starting over again this weekend. That's something to look forward to. Maybe just getting moving again will bring me some relief. A girl can hope!
Friday, January 13, 2012
Faith and Truth
When I heard about the changes that were being made to the Catholic mass, I was troubled, sad and a little angry. As a person who doesn't like change very much, I was more than a little peeved that there are changes to prayers, changes to responses, changes to things that have been the same for a long time. The changes are being defended, hailed as a way to bring solemnity and glory to God and to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, that they're a more literal translation and intended to bring us spiritually closer to God.
Okay. I'll give 'em that.
But...
I still disagree with the changes. I know some Catholics who tell me that I'm either Catholic or I'm not. I've joked for years that I'm a Low-Calorie Catholic. Catholic Light! Whatever. I suppose according to their standards, I'm not Catholic. I've come under fire for my belief that people wrote the Bible, not God. And I believe that things in the Bible have been lost in translation over hundreds/thousands of years. It's not just about me, though. I read last month--and I don't remember where, though I would like to so I could cite it here--that the only way people can be "saved" and enter the Kingdom of Heaven is to verbally profess their faith and declare the Lord as Savior.
I work with people who are mute. I work with individuals with developmental disabilities who are unable to speak because they function at roughly the level of a 6-month old. I work with individuals with severe mental illnesses who are actively psychotic and completely incoherent. And I don't believe for even one second that any of them can't make it into Heaven or be saved simply because they can't say it. What about babies that die? What about children who are too young to understand? I've never believed that un-baptized are banned from Heaven, but now if a kid can't profess faith, they're doomed? Who makes up that stuff?
I also work with people who are violent and have committed horrible crimes against others. Is such a person more worthy of forgiveness, more worthy of a relationship with God, more worthy of entrance to Heaven just because he or she can verbally profess faith and contrition? And an innocent person is not worthy just because he or she cannot speak?
I am not good at fancy, flowery, solemn prayers. I talk to God like I talk to anyone. Pretty direct, asking questions when I need to, expressing thanks when things are good, asking for help when things are not so good. Why should my relationship and how I talk to God change just because that's the direction of the church? Because they say it's true?
What is the truth? Well, I suspect the truth is that none of us know what the truth is. Not the real truth, anyway. Because everyone's ideas of the truth is a little different--and that's part of the issue. We only have ideas of truth.
A former friend of mine belonged to extreme Baptist church that told everyone that only 13,000 souls get into Heaven. Once she got hooked up with them, she stopped being friends with me because I was a heathen. According to her, my beliefs are wrong. Another woman makes fun of other religions, tells people they're un-Christian, teases Mormons, bullies people about their beliefs, (and very troubling to me, makes sarcastic jokes about Casey Anthony and saying that it's not a big deal if she did, in fact, murder her daughter--because it's just a late-term abortion and people are saying that women should have choices about what to do with their bodies and their babies), talks about how impatient she is and how frequently she spanks her kids even though (by her own admission) it doesn't seem to help deal with the issues...and goes on to condemn and judge others based on the fact that she's Reformed and believes everything in the Bible. According to her, too, my beliefs are wrong. And I'm pretty sure they'd think each others' beliefs are wrong, too. I've been told that I'm going to burn in hell for wearing shorts to church--and they weren't obscene shorts! I've been told that if I don't subscribe and fully believe the edicts of one religion or another, I'm not going to be saved and I cannot get into Heaven.
What truth is in that? Where is there any truth in any of it? Why is it true? Because they say so?
Well, I also say that holding off on my kiddo's formal religious instruction isn't going to make her a faithless sinner. I say that eating too much bad fat is bad for the body. And I'm pretty sure those things are true, too.
I also think it's true that we're all sinners in our own way. When we say unkind words (guilty), make fun of politicians (guilty), when we tell white lies (mucho guilty), when we roll our eyes (not too guilty, only a little) and judge people with different beliefs (um, duh, yeah, guilty if you've read this post)...all sins. And I also think that Jesus already died for our sins. I don't think that's free reign to just do whatever we want that's evil because HEY, WE'RE SAVED! I think that we're called to live good lives, but not perfect lives. If God wanted us to be perfect, He wouldn't have made us humans. If God expected us to be perfect, then what is the reasoning behind sending His only Son to us for eternal redemption?
And maybe that's the key for me: Losing my religion to find my faith. And if I have my faith, well, then I suppose I haven't really lost anything.
Okay. I'll give 'em that.
But...
I still disagree with the changes. I know some Catholics who tell me that I'm either Catholic or I'm not. I've joked for years that I'm a Low-Calorie Catholic. Catholic Light! Whatever. I suppose according to their standards, I'm not Catholic. I've come under fire for my belief that people wrote the Bible, not God. And I believe that things in the Bible have been lost in translation over hundreds/thousands of years. It's not just about me, though. I read last month--and I don't remember where, though I would like to so I could cite it here--that the only way people can be "saved" and enter the Kingdom of Heaven is to verbally profess their faith and declare the Lord as Savior.
I work with people who are mute. I work with individuals with developmental disabilities who are unable to speak because they function at roughly the level of a 6-month old. I work with individuals with severe mental illnesses who are actively psychotic and completely incoherent. And I don't believe for even one second that any of them can't make it into Heaven or be saved simply because they can't say it. What about babies that die? What about children who are too young to understand? I've never believed that un-baptized are banned from Heaven, but now if a kid can't profess faith, they're doomed? Who makes up that stuff?
I also work with people who are violent and have committed horrible crimes against others. Is such a person more worthy of forgiveness, more worthy of a relationship with God, more worthy of entrance to Heaven just because he or she can verbally profess faith and contrition? And an innocent person is not worthy just because he or she cannot speak?
I am not good at fancy, flowery, solemn prayers. I talk to God like I talk to anyone. Pretty direct, asking questions when I need to, expressing thanks when things are good, asking for help when things are not so good. Why should my relationship and how I talk to God change just because that's the direction of the church? Because they say it's true?
What is the truth? Well, I suspect the truth is that none of us know what the truth is. Not the real truth, anyway. Because everyone's ideas of the truth is a little different--and that's part of the issue. We only have ideas of truth.
A former friend of mine belonged to extreme Baptist church that told everyone that only 13,000 souls get into Heaven. Once she got hooked up with them, she stopped being friends with me because I was a heathen. According to her, my beliefs are wrong. Another woman makes fun of other religions, tells people they're un-Christian, teases Mormons, bullies people about their beliefs, (and very troubling to me, makes sarcastic jokes about Casey Anthony and saying that it's not a big deal if she did, in fact, murder her daughter--because it's just a late-term abortion and people are saying that women should have choices about what to do with their bodies and their babies), talks about how impatient she is and how frequently she spanks her kids even though (by her own admission) it doesn't seem to help deal with the issues...and goes on to condemn and judge others based on the fact that she's Reformed and believes everything in the Bible. According to her, too, my beliefs are wrong. And I'm pretty sure they'd think each others' beliefs are wrong, too. I've been told that I'm going to burn in hell for wearing shorts to church--and they weren't obscene shorts! I've been told that if I don't subscribe and fully believe the edicts of one religion or another, I'm not going to be saved and I cannot get into Heaven.
What truth is in that? Where is there any truth in any of it? Why is it true? Because they say so?
Well, I also say that holding off on my kiddo's formal religious instruction isn't going to make her a faithless sinner. I say that eating too much bad fat is bad for the body. And I'm pretty sure those things are true, too.
I also think it's true that we're all sinners in our own way. When we say unkind words (guilty), make fun of politicians (guilty), when we tell white lies (mucho guilty), when we roll our eyes (not too guilty, only a little) and judge people with different beliefs (um, duh, yeah, guilty if you've read this post)...all sins. And I also think that Jesus already died for our sins. I don't think that's free reign to just do whatever we want that's evil because HEY, WE'RE SAVED! I think that we're called to live good lives, but not perfect lives. If God wanted us to be perfect, He wouldn't have made us humans. If God expected us to be perfect, then what is the reasoning behind sending His only Son to us for eternal redemption?
And maybe that's the key for me: Losing my religion to find my faith. And if I have my faith, well, then I suppose I haven't really lost anything.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Post Christmas Blues
I'm so very, very thankful that Christmas is done. It was a good holiday, but the stress of the season and some surrounding events has become a heavy, crushing force and I'm teetering on the brink of exhaustion. Christmas itself is stressful enough with shopping and juggling time between families, keeping up with old traditions, trying to establish some of our own traditions and so on.
The past twelve days, though...whew. The hubs was in a car accident twelve days ago. Not his fault, he was sitting at a red light in his Saturn Ion and got hit by a work truck with an attached trailer that was going about 40mph. I'm very aware that he was incredibly fortunate and I have no doubt that some other-worldly forces were at work in allowing him to be able to physically walk away from that. Our kiddo was not in the car, either, which is so much of a blessing. Hearing a police officer say that the back third of the car was mostly gone and that the rear bumper was in the front seat was one of the most surreal things I've ever experienced. When I got to the accident scene and saw it, I could barely breathe. At first glance, it didn't look so bad, but when I saw my kiddo's booster seat flipped over and wedged into a narrow space (that she physically could not have fit in), that old heart condition I have started acting up and I could feel that flutter in my chest as the rhythm starting getting all out of whack.
I'd held onto some hope that somehow the insurance would pay for repairs. In my heart, I knew it wasn't true, but I hoped anyway. Financially, taking on a second car payment is not a good idea for us and I just kept that hope alive...hoping and hoping and hoping some more, but we got the news last week that there was no way the insurance company was repairing it and they declared it a total loss. I agonized over what to do. The payout isn't enough for a new car, not even close--that old Ion had almost 100k miles on it and since Saturn no longer exists, it wasn't worth much. But, we were thankful to get anything for it and we went back and forth over whether to just buy something used and hope for the best or to make a long term investment and buy something new. Thinking about it hurt my brain. I have two years of payments left on my car and we hadn't planned on getting the hubs a new car until mine was paid off.
Clearly, destiny had a different idea.
We really only had five days to make our decision. That's how long the law gives us with a rental after a vehicle has been declared totaled. I hated being rushed, but I went with my gut and after lots of careful consideration, the hubs and I became reluctant owners of a new vehicle today. I mean, we'll figure it out and make it work, but it's just not a position I wanted to be in. The salesman we worked with came highly recommended and with the end of the year incentives, rebates and our down payment, we're financing roughly half of the total cost and the payments will be somewhat manageable. It comes with a pretty good warranty that we'll hopefully be able to extend later. I would have liked to do it now, but it would have pushed the monthly payments out of our price range. On a good note, the first payment isn't due for 60 days and the insurance company will reimburse us for the sales tax, transfer fees for the plates, etc. With that refund, it will actually be about six months worth of car payments that we won't have to worry about right away. I keep reminding myself that things will work out somehow. They often do. I'm working hard to keep the faith and believe that it'll be okay, but it's more of a struggle these days.
As for the decision to go with a new car instead of used...after working with the numbers, we would have saved about $50 or so per month on a used vehicle, which is a good amount, but I couldn't help but wonder what it would cost us in the long run to take over a vehicle that's already a few years old with no warranty and who knows what kind of repair needs. It's a gamble no matter what. I feel good that we at least have a solid factory warranty in place.
I'm off work today and just trying to breathe and relax. I work through Friday and then actually took next week off. My kiddo deserves some uninterrupted time with me to just have fun and put this December behind us.
Rather than making a New Year's resolution, I'm making an end-of-year resolution. My sister asked me to complete a 5k with her in the spring and I've decided to do it. I looked into the Couch Potato to 5K running program and I do believe I can do it. I have to be careful with my knees, so I'll probably stretch the program into longer than 12 weeks so I don't hurt myself. My resolution for the end of 2011 is to get a good pair of running shoes. One teeny, tiny goal on the way to a bigger goal. I did a 5k a few years back so I know I can do it again. Just have to get this old body moving again. I'm not much of a runner and I don't anticipate doing very well at the 5k, but just finishing it is going to be my goal.
Speaking of resolutions, I took a look back at what I resolved to do in 2011 and here are my results:
The past twelve days, though...whew. The hubs was in a car accident twelve days ago. Not his fault, he was sitting at a red light in his Saturn Ion and got hit by a work truck with an attached trailer that was going about 40mph. I'm very aware that he was incredibly fortunate and I have no doubt that some other-worldly forces were at work in allowing him to be able to physically walk away from that. Our kiddo was not in the car, either, which is so much of a blessing. Hearing a police officer say that the back third of the car was mostly gone and that the rear bumper was in the front seat was one of the most surreal things I've ever experienced. When I got to the accident scene and saw it, I could barely breathe. At first glance, it didn't look so bad, but when I saw my kiddo's booster seat flipped over and wedged into a narrow space (that she physically could not have fit in), that old heart condition I have started acting up and I could feel that flutter in my chest as the rhythm starting getting all out of whack.
I'd held onto some hope that somehow the insurance would pay for repairs. In my heart, I knew it wasn't true, but I hoped anyway. Financially, taking on a second car payment is not a good idea for us and I just kept that hope alive...hoping and hoping and hoping some more, but we got the news last week that there was no way the insurance company was repairing it and they declared it a total loss. I agonized over what to do. The payout isn't enough for a new car, not even close--that old Ion had almost 100k miles on it and since Saturn no longer exists, it wasn't worth much. But, we were thankful to get anything for it and we went back and forth over whether to just buy something used and hope for the best or to make a long term investment and buy something new. Thinking about it hurt my brain. I have two years of payments left on my car and we hadn't planned on getting the hubs a new car until mine was paid off.
Clearly, destiny had a different idea.
We really only had five days to make our decision. That's how long the law gives us with a rental after a vehicle has been declared totaled. I hated being rushed, but I went with my gut and after lots of careful consideration, the hubs and I became reluctant owners of a new vehicle today. I mean, we'll figure it out and make it work, but it's just not a position I wanted to be in. The salesman we worked with came highly recommended and with the end of the year incentives, rebates and our down payment, we're financing roughly half of the total cost and the payments will be somewhat manageable. It comes with a pretty good warranty that we'll hopefully be able to extend later. I would have liked to do it now, but it would have pushed the monthly payments out of our price range. On a good note, the first payment isn't due for 60 days and the insurance company will reimburse us for the sales tax, transfer fees for the plates, etc. With that refund, it will actually be about six months worth of car payments that we won't have to worry about right away. I keep reminding myself that things will work out somehow. They often do. I'm working hard to keep the faith and believe that it'll be okay, but it's more of a struggle these days.
As for the decision to go with a new car instead of used...after working with the numbers, we would have saved about $50 or so per month on a used vehicle, which is a good amount, but I couldn't help but wonder what it would cost us in the long run to take over a vehicle that's already a few years old with no warranty and who knows what kind of repair needs. It's a gamble no matter what. I feel good that we at least have a solid factory warranty in place.
I'm off work today and just trying to breathe and relax. I work through Friday and then actually took next week off. My kiddo deserves some uninterrupted time with me to just have fun and put this December behind us.
Rather than making a New Year's resolution, I'm making an end-of-year resolution. My sister asked me to complete a 5k with her in the spring and I've decided to do it. I looked into the Couch Potato to 5K running program and I do believe I can do it. I have to be careful with my knees, so I'll probably stretch the program into longer than 12 weeks so I don't hurt myself. My resolution for the end of 2011 is to get a good pair of running shoes. One teeny, tiny goal on the way to a bigger goal. I did a 5k a few years back so I know I can do it again. Just have to get this old body moving again. I'm not much of a runner and I don't anticipate doing very well at the 5k, but just finishing it is going to be my goal.
Speaking of resolutions, I took a look back at what I resolved to do in 2011 and here are my results:
- I planned on attending three concerts this year. Pete Yorn, Matt Nathanson and Mat Kearney. Goal completed!
- Blogging weekly. HAHAHAHA! HOHOHOHO! SNORT GIGGLE SNORT. Yeah, not even close.
- Referral to orthopedist. Nope. My knee still has the mystery bubble that appears and disappears.
- Reading one book per month. I do believe this was completed. I didn't always update my Goodreads account, but I've done a lot of reading and really enjoyed it.
- Taking more pictures. Yes, I did take more, even though my good camera was broken.
- Pay off one credit card. Done. Done twice actually. They were small balances, but it felt so good to get those out of the way.
- Spend more time outside. I did good with this for a while, especially over the summer when I spent a crazy amount of time out on my bike every night.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Look! It's Me!
Wow, December snuck up on me. November zipped by as I made my first attempt at NaNo. The semester is done, thank goodness. It wasn't a great session, but it's over now and I'm looking forward to the next few weeks of no teaching before the new semester starts. Christmas is two weeks away and I'm almost done shopping, which is good. I did lots of shopping online this year, with only a few adventurous forays into the stores. I just don't do well with crowds. Years ago, I always had my shopping done by Thanksgiving, but these days, my schedule doesn't allow for that.
Anyhoo, I've been busy, as always, juggling work and home and trying to squeeze in some time for myself here and there. My kiddo's been having a really hard time lately. She's so intense and so obsessive about things. I'm doing what I can to teach her to lighten up a bit. That's kind of ironic coming from me, considering my own personality. I just want her to have fun and be a kid. Kids these days have so much to do, so much to worry about, so much on their plates. I refuse to make my kiddo grow up too soon. She needs to be able to play and be goofy and silly, the way kids are supposed to do. I always felt old, even when I was young--that whole "old soul" thing--and I find myself enjoying things as an adult that I think I should have enjoyed more when I was younger. It's fine to enjoy stuff as an adult, but I don't ever want my kiddo looking back with a sigh of regret over all the things she didn't do. I hope that's one lesson I can teach her. Life is too short with too much uncertainty to let things slip by.
And that's my philosophical moment of the day. For now, I've got laundry to fold and a house that needs cleaning. Not that either of those are likely to get done tonight, because I'm really thinking about going to bed. Sleep is the definite winner tonight.
Anyhoo, I've been busy, as always, juggling work and home and trying to squeeze in some time for myself here and there. My kiddo's been having a really hard time lately. She's so intense and so obsessive about things. I'm doing what I can to teach her to lighten up a bit. That's kind of ironic coming from me, considering my own personality. I just want her to have fun and be a kid. Kids these days have so much to do, so much to worry about, so much on their plates. I refuse to make my kiddo grow up too soon. She needs to be able to play and be goofy and silly, the way kids are supposed to do. I always felt old, even when I was young--that whole "old soul" thing--and I find myself enjoying things as an adult that I think I should have enjoyed more when I was younger. It's fine to enjoy stuff as an adult, but I don't ever want my kiddo looking back with a sigh of regret over all the things she didn't do. I hope that's one lesson I can teach her. Life is too short with too much uncertainty to let things slip by.
And that's my philosophical moment of the day. For now, I've got laundry to fold and a house that needs cleaning. Not that either of those are likely to get done tonight, because I'm really thinking about going to bed. Sleep is the definite winner tonight.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Chirp, Chirp
That's the sound of crickets chirping.
Which is also the sound of how it's been on my blog. Bad, bad blogger.
My life is so full and busy these days. And this month, I decided to try my hand at NaNoWriMo, so all of my writing efforts have gone there. I'm not going to hit my goal of 50,000 words, but I'm still glad I tried it out. I think next year will be better.
I was thinking about how close it is to the end of the year. Christmas is a little less than a month away and then POOF! Another year gone. I don't remember time going this fast when I was a kid, but now, I blink and whole months are gone. Unbelievable.
I'm tired, so that's about it for tonight. More nonsense later.
Which is also the sound of how it's been on my blog. Bad, bad blogger.
My life is so full and busy these days. And this month, I decided to try my hand at NaNoWriMo, so all of my writing efforts have gone there. I'm not going to hit my goal of 50,000 words, but I'm still glad I tried it out. I think next year will be better.
I was thinking about how close it is to the end of the year. Christmas is a little less than a month away and then POOF! Another year gone. I don't remember time going this fast when I was a kid, but now, I blink and whole months are gone. Unbelievable.
I'm tired, so that's about it for tonight. More nonsense later.
Friday, November 04, 2011
Adult Whining
I feel like most of my posts the past few months have lacked real substance. I have plenty in my mind that I want to share, but just having a hard time getting it on paper...or on my blog.
It's funny how annoyed I get when people whine. I also get annoyed with myself when I get whiny...and I've been pretty whiny this week. Just sick and feeling icky. It's been hard to concentrate on anything and get even the simplest tasks done. There was a time in my life when being sick barely slowed me down. Of course, back then it seemed like I was sick all the time, so it just sort of became a way of life. Now that I'm healthier and only get really sick maybe twice a year, it has a bigger impact on me and leaves me drained. I shouldn't even whisper a complaint, though. My kiddo is sick, too. You'd never guess it. She's in a great mood and was just jumping on the couch. Of course, that burst of energy could be from the steroids. But she does have fluid in her lungs and she needs to rest. My poor baby.
Anyway, even though it's been a not-great week, I've worked to keep up with my five things. Not perfect, but at least okay.
1. I was in bed before 10pm every night except last night. I got home from teaching and ate dinner, then read a book for a while. Got to bed around 11pm.
2. Exercise has not been a priority, especially when any exertion has been making me cough. I have, however, snuck in a few short walks.
3. Lunches have stayed consistently healthy and inexpensive. Dinners have been pretty good. I missed veggies last night. Before that, though, I was going crazy eating Brussels sprouts. SO GOOD.
4. Laundry has been caught up. In fact, I was even able to skip one day because there was no laundry to do. Go me!
5. I haven't taken my supplements daily, but I'm getting better. I'm still working on making it part of my regular routine. I find that I do best if I take the Vitamin D in the morning and the flaxseed in the afternoon.
That's about it. I'm hoping for a quiet, easy weekend. We're pretty much housebound, not really smart to take the kiddo out when she's so sick. I may let her go out in the yard later for some fresh air, but no public places. Her poor immune system is taking a one-two punch between being sick and the immune system suppressing steroids. We're going to have a coughing contest, wear ourselves out, eat some dessert (before dinner, tee hee!) and then go to sleep! :)
It's funny how annoyed I get when people whine. I also get annoyed with myself when I get whiny...and I've been pretty whiny this week. Just sick and feeling icky. It's been hard to concentrate on anything and get even the simplest tasks done. There was a time in my life when being sick barely slowed me down. Of course, back then it seemed like I was sick all the time, so it just sort of became a way of life. Now that I'm healthier and only get really sick maybe twice a year, it has a bigger impact on me and leaves me drained. I shouldn't even whisper a complaint, though. My kiddo is sick, too. You'd never guess it. She's in a great mood and was just jumping on the couch. Of course, that burst of energy could be from the steroids. But she does have fluid in her lungs and she needs to rest. My poor baby.
Anyway, even though it's been a not-great week, I've worked to keep up with my five things. Not perfect, but at least okay.
1. I was in bed before 10pm every night except last night. I got home from teaching and ate dinner, then read a book for a while. Got to bed around 11pm.
2. Exercise has not been a priority, especially when any exertion has been making me cough. I have, however, snuck in a few short walks.
3. Lunches have stayed consistently healthy and inexpensive. Dinners have been pretty good. I missed veggies last night. Before that, though, I was going crazy eating Brussels sprouts. SO GOOD.
4. Laundry has been caught up. In fact, I was even able to skip one day because there was no laundry to do. Go me!
5. I haven't taken my supplements daily, but I'm getting better. I'm still working on making it part of my regular routine. I find that I do best if I take the Vitamin D in the morning and the flaxseed in the afternoon.
That's about it. I'm hoping for a quiet, easy weekend. We're pretty much housebound, not really smart to take the kiddo out when she's so sick. I may let her go out in the yard later for some fresh air, but no public places. Her poor immune system is taking a one-two punch between being sick and the immune system suppressing steroids. We're going to have a coughing contest, wear ourselves out, eat some dessert (before dinner, tee hee!) and then go to sleep! :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)